Let's Edit! Ep. #3: YA Novel Opening Scene

Remember the famous saying: "Criticism is just shouting at you how terrible you are, while critique is only whispering to you where you could improve."
Thanks, Ellen.
Greetings from Ukraine.
It's not a famous saying. (I just made it up.) 😁

Hurray!

I just finished my first novel, It is now under revision by another writer, but I am kind of not happy with what I write although many people I know praise my style of writing.

I think this self criticism is preventing me from developing as it prevented to start earlier.

I need some 😣 help

Her broken family situation, and her preoccupation with it, comes across clearly without being infodumpy. Good show-don't-tell.

Her vocabulary seems too adult, her language too formal, for a 15-year-old kid, unless she is established as a heavy reader:

pale with panic and indecisiveness
it seared her vision
they'd orchestrate the gunfight
dilapidated appearance
wipe off the remnants
with me without agency
the staples in our house

I jump-clicked on this video like a cat on its toy mouse

And this is why a good dev edit costs so much. That was so thorough and even though I've been writing a long time, I def had some great takeaways. Thanks to your Patreon supporter for volunteering their story.

"Roadkill Oreo" is a unique way to start a novel. I wouldn't bog it down with description as to what that means in the first sentence. Perhaps the second could then clarify it by giving more details. For example, that the bully dropped it when she hit him.

Also, her brother being bloody should be a good enough motivation for her to attack the bullies.
Lastly, I believe opening with a punch is a lot more impactful than showing the bullying beforehand.

Not to say that any of these are negatives of your Editing Process. You pointed out that some things come to down to personal preference. And as an absolute beginner, these wouldn't be problems I would have had with it.

Kudos to you, it was insightful to see how a professional editor works.

So much to think about and take away. I really needed some advice for POV characters.
Thank you.

"we'd be here for 3 hours"
and i'd gladly watch every second.

Any advice on monitors or settings to reduce eye strain?

I think this is great what you are doing here. I also think you should give this writer a chance after this to re-write it and let us see how she progresses through your teachings.

Wow, great editing as usual!

I liked the line about good meals meaning they were moving. I felt like that was the most powerful emotional point in the story. And I especially like the idea of fresh herbs or garlic (and that smell) being equated to moving.

Thank you to the author who shared their WIP! That is brave, and I hope your revisions go well! Keep at it!

"I punched his gut and the twelve-year-old fell into a pile of roadkill OREO ice cream." - I like starting with action, but my brain went:
fell into a pile of roadkill (and I visualized a dead deer) and then OREO ice cream in a pile. So like gallons?!
Was it a dropped ice cream cone from Stuart? (fell onto two freshly dropped scoops of OREO ice cream) or assorted ice cream cones from the kids? "When the first punches were thrown, the ice cream cones were the first to fall."

Spaghetti with fresh basil... When I was poor, I didn't have money for spices and cheese.
So when I finally got a job, I made spaghetti with meat sauce, fresh spices, and cheese on top. It was still a cheap meal, but it tasted so much better!!!
So the mom splurged on dinner with the few extra dollars she had.

Thank you very much Ellen ; a great help ; am starting my novel. Happy holidays !

Maybe rewrite the first sentence to: I, the sweetest, most agreeable, young female I know... punched him in the gut, and immediately his so-called "friend" yelled. 'Hey! What the heck, you crazy!' We both then watched the twelve-year-old kid fall into some road kill that used to be a pile of Orio ice cream.

I love this series!!

I think zooming out just a few seconds in-universe at the very start would improve things really well. Having Addy witness her brother being bullied, maybe hear him try to defend himself, and then Addy seeing the first punch get thrown herself could tell us a lot about everyone's situation - including the bully's, assuming she will be a major character.

This is so helpful! Your comments are thoughtful and insightful as always.

Merry Christmas Ellen. Thanks for your work.

Can we just send you scenes and you edit them, or would that be too much work? Either way, this is very cool. I know you' e made other videos like this too.

Writing myself, I do feel with the writer. Sometimes you don't see the forest for all the trees. You build the scene in your head, complete with feelings and what you want to communicate to the reader. Then you have to temper that shining, three dimensional diamond with sight, sounds and smells onto a piece of paper using nothing but words. This being the first scene in the first chapter you just want to go on. But this is your introduction for the reader into the world. This is whats makes editors so important.

Funny thing, as a foreigner I have no concept of what the concept of sophomore year of high school means. This makes me as a reader from abroad sometimes feeling I'm missing out. It would be the equivalent of you not knowing the significance of not having the yule-ham at the yule-table at yule.

I agree with most of your criticisms, but I find it ironic that you cautioned commenters to be kind to the author when you didn't offer her any words of admiration or encouragement. You thanked her for volunteering her manuscript, but you failed to say anything positive about her writing. For instance, you could've said something like this: "Roadkill Oreo ice cream is both vivid and humorous, but..." Constructive criticism helps writers grow, but so does a kind word or two about what they're doing right. Don't pull punches, but you recall what helps the medicine go down, right?

If the protag had been to juvie already, then the stakes are raised and in place. Her fear is going back to juvie and that gives motivation to defy the adult and run away. "I can't go back to juvie, I had to run." Why she "can't" go back adds a layer to story questions and indicates past characterization.

How and why would a 15 year old girl know a Buick from a Ford? It doesn't make logical sense. This is the adult writer bleeding into the protag's POV by way of author intrusion

Inside descriptions, first person narrators characterizes themselves by what they focus on, say or think about what is seen. Good point, Ellen.

Stakes: If protag had spent time in juvie, she would fear her brother winding up in such a place and she knows he isn't capable of surviving that without real damages

More stakes: Protag must also fear for herself in that if she is taken away to juvie, or restricted in another way due her behavior, she won't be around to defend helpless weird brother.

If the moves happened because the protag got in trouble, and mother is protecting her the way she protects her little brother, ( parallel issues) that would be good.

All the mom description and backstory info would be better after the confrontation. Coming home after a fight should be action-focused on the conflict that happens when they come home and face mom. If protag is sent to her room, or something that isolates her, that is the better place for introspection. Introspection in the middle of an action scene slows the action and takes the reader out of a tense situation. Let the reader rest after a blow-up of some kind. Going from one trouble to another trouble is good stuff but stay on that rail until it's resolved before going deeper into mom. Mixing in little negative comments about mom will foreshadow the relationship and characterize the protag while making the reader wonder more about mom and their relationship. More story questions to keep the reader interested is better than less questions.

all the stuff about food should come after a confrontation came to a head and settled. The logistics are off here. Some time later, after an argument, insert aftermath retrospection once everyone calms down and then go to mom cooking and what that represents to the protag

excellent, thanks Ellen!

Tossing pasta in the sauce is hugely common in Italian cooking. Generally you cook the pasta until it's almost finished and then you finish it off in the sauce.

I think all the parts in this chapter where her younger brother is described as not reacting are very intriguing. My question coming away from this story was, is the younger brother meant to be autistic, or neurodivergent in some way? Is his silence in this chapter him going nonverbal? Is that why he needs a counselor, has trouble getting along with other kids, attracts bullies? This is never explained to the reader, and I think that context, even if it's something POV doesn't understand either, and would have to explain in her own words, would help characterize the little brother and bring empathy from the reader and from POV towards him without changing his actions in this chapter. Is this meant to be like a Lilo and Nani type of relationship, where POV helps her little brother regulate? Make that clear in the introspection! I think that type of relationship is very compelling.

Yayy!! Missed this series, it’s so useful

I've learned so much. Thank youuu 😮❤

My roommate says hello

My interpretation of the writers intent by stating how someone ends up in juvie is the character speaking from experience.

Addy seems to be the one who wants to stay and continue on in high school, where she is doing well. On the other hand, her brother doesn't seem to be fitting in or thriving at his school, but she sights, changing schools as harmful to him. Her direct observations versus her interpretation of reality are interesting, and that duality can also be seen with her view of her mother. Addy's unattractive description of mom is followed by calling her beautiful. She list mom's failed love and work life, then saying mom deserves better, again, why does Addy believe her mom deserves better.

the story has potential a sister and brother navigating though hard times brought on by their mom's questionable choices can be a compelling story if the bother and sister had a strong bond her her fears of who would look after him if she was sent away would be good and he clutching on to her as they rested even if he was to shaken to speak
note on the bratty girl saying her dad was indigenous makes it sound like the pov thinks less of them then the other ethnic groups i would cut that