A Response To: "You Can’t Approach Women Anymore!"

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My own story (Straight white male, btw):

I'm sitting at a coffee shop, studying by myself during the day with noise-cancelling headphones. I look to my right, and I see a group of 4 people (teenagers, maybe above 18 y.o., idk.) sitting at a table. This guy is telling this girl that he wants to have her follow her. She says no.

He continues. She states no, again.

This is loud enough for everyone in the coffee shop to hear, btw and I've taken one of my headphones off to hear this. The context, at first, sounded like they were joking so I was like: "Ah, okay, maybe they're just joking."

He keeps pressuring her. She keeps saying "no."

The tone in their voice sounds less joking and more serious. He keeps pressuring her, she keeps saying: "no".

I'm thinking: "Bro... this has got to be a joke... there is no way this guy is dumb enough to do this in public."

I look at the rest of the guys in the coffee shop, all the guys at this coffee shop were eyeing this table like a hawk. Like, one wrong move and someone was stepping in.

Then the guy grabs her by the wrist. He pressures her and she says no.

I'm going to say this right now, I HATE being seen by the public for ANYTHING. I hate public attention, I hate people eyeing me, I hate even being noticed for anything. I want to eat, drink and study in peace. I do NOT care if the attention I get is positive or negative.

I stand up, put my hand on that guy's shoulder (the guy is standing up btw) and literally tell him: "Dude, back off. She said no."

The quick turn-around:

The guy: "Oh dude, she's my gf."
The girl: "Oh he's my bf, we're just joking around."
Their tone indicates that they were serious about joking about the whole situation. Even one of their mother's thanked me and said: "I'm glad you stepped in, even though they were joking."
My brain: "Idc. I am so embarrassed putting myself in the whole situation that I simply just want to hide my embarrassment from the world." I didn't even want to make eye contact with anyone after that lol. I just grabbed my stuff and left the shop that day.

I am glad that I stepped in but dude... come on. I'm a skinny white guy who will probably get his butt kicked by anyone.

Moral of the story: Hecking teenagers man. I did the right thing but MAN was that embarrassing. I don't wanna do it again after feeling so embarrassed but... I know it's the right thing to do so keep an eye out, boys.

The best advice I ever gave was this .. I had a friend who was a nice person, legit. No luck with ladies. I said "approach women like they are men." He did. He is married now. He told me that this cut through the b.s. he was taught very nicely. I said... "No prob!"

To think of it as any different betrays the way you were educated. Sometimes all it takes is just.... You have permission. Just don't think of women as any different.

Dudes are so taught that women are some crazy mystical thing that they can literally shoot both their own feet before they even leave the house.

Its a shame, really. Some nice dudes out there who really could be good partners. But weirdo maniacs rob them and us with bananas talking points, and leave speech professors to pick up the pieces.

Nah the level of introspection needed to undo that goes beyond this universe

Oh you are totally allowed to approach us as long as you get the heck away as soon as we ask you to. No one is forbidding you from shooting your shot. But if that shot misses, you take the L and leave like a big boy.

You're addressing individual peoples' concerns with a very very wide brush. Great, we need to create a society in which consent is the norm. Now, for right here, right now, in 2024, what is a guy supposed to do? Let's say he is willing to take no for an answer. If the rhetoric is that men shouldn't approach women, what is he supposed to do? Accept not being able to find love u til the whole of society changes to match his world view?

Stop using huge whole society language to a address problems that are on an individual level.

Thank God I'm not in the dating pool because I look around and good normal men are totally lost now.

This is ridiculous! This crap should not be happening, and I’m sorry to all of you who have experienced this kind of behavior.

I always appreciate when I see guys taking accountability for the way that guys are. But more than that you’ve clearly put effort into understanding feminist principles, like the fact that dismantling the patriarchy improves life for everyone.

The patriarchy has set a horrible precedent for both sexes. And these "alpha male" types are giving dating advice from the 40's and the movie Grease.

Men approach them honestly and try to avoid boxing her in or coming off as overbearing (this can take work if you are a bigger guy size can intimidate). Body language can say a lot, and teddy bear can turn to grizzly bear very quickly.

We also need to work on both sexes, feeling comfortable doing the approach in society.

If someone is playing games or being rude, we need to call our own out on it, as their action will make things harder for everyone.

No means no,,,don't go trying to meet anyone anymore,,,don't be nice,,nothing

I know who sent this

why do i feel like this is targeting me even though i'm gay?

I got on a bus to see my girlfriend. It turned out a female colleague was also taking that same bus, so I waved to her as she was too far away for a conversion and we didn't know each other that well. I heard her say that she thinks I'm following her.
Some people are not right.

If this is the case then whyis it they they don't have negative reactions to all men that approach them? There are lots of times that women embrace the approach of men which can then lead to instant dates or relationships etc. So it's obviously obviously not an issue of just gender alone. You can often have situations where giys with very similar approaches with the same kind of behaviour can get very different reactions from the woman they approach. There's a whole lot of factors that can into play about the type of man that's considered desirable.

Him: "I couldn't help but notice how beautiful you are. Could we meet for coffee sometime? I'd like to get to know you better?"
Her: "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not interested."

There's only ONE acceptable response from the guy in this situation: "Ah, cool. Sorry to bother you. Take care."
The problem is that so many guys just cannot take "no" for an answer. It turns into things like "Why? Do you have a boyfriend already?" or "Can you tell me why not?" or "You should at least give me a chance!" or the like.
And because of the physical power differential between men and women, this makes the woman immediately feel uncomfortable and unsafe. She now KNOWS that if she doesn't tread carefully and protect the fragile emotions of the man who propositioned her she could end up in a VERY bad situation.
So the best solution to all of this is for women to ask to not be approached at all.

I hate that this is something we STILL have to deal with. There’s an old saying: Men are afraid women will laugh at them; Women are afraid men will kill them. It’s still as relevant today as it ever was. As a woman in my 50’s I have dealt with this my whole life.
Several years ago I was out at karaoke with my male partner. When I went to the bar to get a drink, a man I had seen there a few times came up to me and asked me if I would go out on a date with him. I said, “Thank you, but no. I’m not interested.” The man, who I had never talked to before, nor had I signaled any interest in him, kept pushing and asking, “Why?” When I reiterated that I was not interested, he still pushed. He also did not accept the “I have a boyfriend” defense. So I told him, “If you want the honest truth, I do not want to go out with you because you creep me out. I do not feel safe with you, and I do not want to be alone with you in public or in private.”
Now, you would think that would get him to walk away, but no! He then wanted to know how did he creep me out? In what way did I find him creepy? I told him if I could put my finger on it I would tell him, but just asking that question was not helping his case.
As soon as I got my drink I went back to my partner and told him what just happened. I asked him to keep an eye on that guy and don’t leave me alone until that guy leaves because I didn’t feel safe, especially after telling him off. And, yes, my partner totally had my back. I don’t think I saw creepy guy at that karaoke place again.

Some women do say that men just shouldn’t approach them, so while it’s true that men not accepting “no” is a problem that doesn’t necessarily mean that men feeling they can’t approach women just means they feel they can no longer pester a woman after she says “no,” as opposed to referring to talking to women in general. One might argue that they mean, “Don’t approach random women on the street,” but the way they word it makes it sound like they don’t want to be approached in general. I’ve seen guys online make posts online asking how to approach women, and some of the replies just said “don’t” when I think it’s more helpful to give advice on things like acceptable settings to talk to women, what to talk about with women, and the most acceptable way to ask her out. I think the advice of “Just don’t approach women,” is like abstinence only eduction in schools, in the sense that on paper it seems like a good way to solve a problem, but in practice it doesn’t work as well as advice related to non creepy ways to talk to women.

I'm glad people are getting put on blast about this. A year ago I quit my job at Autozone because one of my drivers harassed me in the office. When I started as a manager there he would ask me to have dinner and I told him no thank you and made it clear I had a boyfriend. Then one day he stood behind me in my office while I was counting the safe and kissed my shoulder. I moved away and walked out of there. When I told my boss she shrugged and said it happened to her too. I told the police and they didn't do anything besides make a report and said "if you don't say 'no stop' it's not harassment." My boss when the police asked her if she wanted to report her incident too said nothing happened to her and even her boss wouldn't do anything about the driver. So I quit.

I felt like I wasn't believed despite the camera catching all of it, the cops never once asked to see it. I wasn't taken seriously, it was the worst experience ever. But honestly, the cops here suck and moving here taught me that personal space means nothing to Ohioans.

If a woman is chilling without trying to hit on you or gain your attention, it most likely means that she doesn't need/want your attention so if you still approach her, she is under no obligation to accept your advances. I never understood why random men think that any woman they hit on is automatically obligated to go along with it? Sounds very immature and dumb tbh.

I recently fell in love with my now boyfriend. I was on a date with a guy before we met. I told that guy that I met somebody and we won’t meet again the problem started. Constantly texting me wanting to meet up. I blocked him on WhatsApp. He found my instagram and texted me again. What a freak.

the part with the "she's testing me" is an iffy one. I wholly agree that we should be respectable towards women we approach and not think it's some kind of game. And yet, there was a time where I was extremely confused because the majority of my experience with women was exactly that they didn't say things directly, they tested me to see if I'd "care", like rejecting me at first, then flirting the next day. No problem with rejection. But let it be a true rejection. And the idea of my message is if anyone with such experience is reading the comment, the games are not the norm. Women who do that haven't learned to communicate and won't be able to deliver a meaningful relationship for both parties until they do. So just do not acknowledge the games. If she tells you no, then accept it as a no and leave her to be mad that you didn't "understand she meant yes". At some point she will learn that that way is not correct and will only bring her to people who do not respect her words and wishes.

Same guys that complain "women keep giving me fake number".
It did happen to me two time to give a fake number, the guy wouldn't hear anything: "i'm not interested", "i don't have time", "i have a boyfriend" (wich was already a lie) and just "it's just you phone number come on". And that how you give fake phone number. I shouldn't have to tell you "no" 3 or 4 times, but since you insist here is a number. Not mine. And I changed my route to work.

Idk how many men actually watch these vids, but I’ve come to realize it’s way more about who you are and HOW you approach rather than the simple act of approaching. I’m very new at this but it basically comes down to making yourself more attractive in as many ways as you can, and when you approach. If you get rejected, just accept it and move on. No mater how good looking you are or how much money you have, you will never convince a woman to be with you if she doesn’t already want to be with you. That said, we all need to learn how to accept rejection

I know there are times when a woman will say they have a boyfriend in such a way that essentially is playing hard to get and/or she wants to entertain you anyway and potentially date/hookup. IMO, unless she’s in an open relationship this isn’t the kind of woman you want to date or hookup with anyway.

My simple rule is if she says she has a boyfriend or excuses herself from the conversation for any other reason, take the rejection gracefully and move on. Whether or not she’s available to someone else is irrelevant because she’s not available to you. And that’s all that matters in your interaction with her.

Just to be clear, we can't approach women???? Like I didn't rape anyone I didn't sexually assault anyone I call out bad behavior WTF am I supposed to do now??? I guess I'll just pay a dating app to get more matches???? This so useless dude why are like this every video is just dunking a clearly mentally ill person being crazy It's so obnoxious, just help me. Is that so fucking hard???? You could just give an easy alternative but you have to just signal wave to your female audience it's so played out and unhelpful. Please stop criticising these man babys without giving a good alternative action for normal dudes who aren't running around assaulting people or being misogynistic. Please I'll wait I am watching a lot of your videos and it so sad that MAN who like act he wants to help us is just denigrating the bottom of the barrel idiot filth the internet has to offer It makes me and a whole bunch of young men feel like shit please stop

I was low-key expecting some hate all men, men are evil type rant about this, but this was actually a very reasonable point that doesn't just hate on dudes or call all dudes assholes. It's a good point, we do kinda shoot ourselves in the foot a lot.

I've been stalked twice because two different guys weren't taking the hint that I wasn't interested in them. It was a very scary situation both times.

Individual women are not to be held accountable for the actions of of some other bad women, but individual men have to "look inwards" because of the actions of some other bad men? Double standard no?

"If i cant approach women anymore how am i meant to find somebody"
Hear me out.


Men

So like both cases are true. It is both true that women get accosted and harassed by men, and that good hearted men immediately get told to fuck off when they simply try to shoot their shot because said women is going to assume that she will get harassed again. Both of these reasons is why guys are not as motivated to make the first move despite that fact that most women do want men to make the first move.

I have ALWAYS ever since I was a kid in the 1990s INSTANTLY accepted "no" for an answer and immediately moved on. I don't understand anyone who doesn't do that. Why would you want to date someone who rejected you? I hate being rejected, so I eventually stopped trying.

That guy in the clip seems very, very angry. That's SO unattractive. I've recently had two men who wouldn't take no for an answer. One was living where I live - luckily he doesn't any more. Had to block him on social media because he just wouldn't go away. But blocking can feel risky when they know where you live. It can incite some manbabies to escalate. Another guy...SMH...He inspired me to write a piece for my hobby website. I called it 'Nice Guys' because he tried playing the 'I guess nice guys always finish last' card. In the piece, I write about the flaws in that idea - for it to be true, women would have to choose to be with the 'nasty guys', implying women choose abusive men.

It's also manipulative - attempting to make us pity them and say yes.

Neither of those things signal that a man is nice. Both show a potentially emotionally abusive side.

I ignored his messages for months, wrote that piece, thinking he would read it and back off, especially given it makes it clear I'm seeing someone (casual thing) and am not interested in him. I know he goes to my website. He also follows the site's IG. But he didn't back off much.

He still sent DMs that I didn't read. His last one just confirmed he us emotionally manipulative (I read the preview).

He said he 'feels sad when someone is quiet'. He meant he feels sad when his messages are ignored. I'd been active on my website and personal IG. I just hadn't read or responded to his DMs.

Men like him and the manbaby in the clip in this video are never introspective. It's never their behaviour and we're not allowed to not want them. They just want their own way, behave how they behave and blame women for their failures.

Why should I face the consequences for other men? I don't tell you to take accountability for what other women did.

I remember my mom, after she and my dad divorced, telling me and my siblings she would still wear her ring to work sometimes because less men would hit on her. Not none, less. Men, women are not playthings, they are people. Treat them like people.

I wish this kind of messaging was around when I was 20.

I get why woman would be so scared . I have a twin sister and she says I should do hobbies and make friendship with woman first then If I feel a connection then ask them out . What is difficult from me at least is I just can’t find any woman yet who is wanting to make that emotional connection or they are dating someone already . How am I supposed to find someone if I can’t find anyone who is looking for a relationship. I tried dating apps and I talk to woman on there but they ghost me before we ever get to the first date . building relationships is hard work . It feels frustrating that all I can do is self improvement and just wait for an opportunity where everything lines up . Oh sorry I almost the buzz words . Chad , soy boy, beta male, red pilled , looks maxing , fem-oids . Nice guys finish last 😤✊ .

"It's a strange game, the only winning move is not to play." Nothing you say or do will matter in the slightest. All you can do is keep your head down and walk away. I work my job , I go home , I hang with my friends and have my garden and my hobbies. I'm not responsible for the actions of others.

While I can appreciate the sentiment behind this video, it’s entirely useless as practical advice.

Yes, men should take no for an answer, and we should do what we can to make that the societal norm. But in the meantime, what are men who understand that no means no supposed to do if they want to find someone?

I think I’m starting to see why this channel rubs me the wrong way despite having some good content. It often shows examples of men doing or saying something absolutely abhorrent, and then points and says “this is bad, don’t do it.”

The problem is that that’s as deep as it goes. This is bad, don’t do it. Well no fucking shit Sherlock, most well adjusted people know that that’s bad and you shouldn’t do it. Now, are you actually going to give practical advice on what we should do instead, or is it just going to be redundant moral platitudes?

Bad thing is bad is not useful advice, it’s just telling us something we already know. Maybe focus more on practical advice instead of saying all men are bad because of the actions of some men.

I really don't mind men not approaching me. I'm much more likely to meet the good ones at work, through friends or doing common hobbies anyway, than I am at bars, on public transport etc.

As a boy I would take no as a no and pray she never brings that up. It's annoying so many creepy people have to be like this.

So as a middle-aged white man who can take rejection and move on with my life, how do you want me to ask the women out, genuine question? What script would you like me to read, what movie would you like me to cite. What romance novel do you want me to memorize... because I can't change grape culture or toxic masculinity I am the nice guy. I do not ask women out I do not talk to women fair to say I avoid all women in social interactions. It is just not worth it to be called out in public or on social media as a creep just because I'm looking to date a woman, I really do not know what you want me to do so I will continue to do nothing and nobody goes on on dates.

You have to say “I have a boyfriend” because mentioning that you’re single at all is considered an invitation, even if the context was completely innocent.

Any guy can approach a woman and she also will have to politely decline ONCE.. after that you are just harrassing her and she no longer needs to be polite or nice the next time.

Personally, I just have troubles with building the courage to go up to someone who I may have interest in because I don’t want to misread signals or make an ass out of myself unintentionally. The rejection aspect of it isn’t really a problem for me because I’m fully aware that I may not be everyone’s cup of tea or they may not be in the mood to talk (hell they may be in a whole relationship). Regardless of the reason, I’ve learned from personal experience to just accept the rejection with grace and move on to other potential options. It’s just my anxiety gets in the way and I sometimes wonder how many people actually wanted me to approach them that I may not even know about because of that anxiety.

But you’re right tho. It is on us. We created this environment where women would rather be left alone lest they get insulted or assaulted. It’s an environment that no one should be in and I think we should definitely teach the current and next generation about the art of consent and being able to accept rejection with grace. Because idk what the previous generations taught boys and men in decades prior 😓

I don't know, maybe learn body language and facial expressions from...WOMEN! It's not you can't "approach" women anymore; your approach is what effing MATTERS! Respect the NO! This excuse from men is so damn immature and reeks of some sense of entitlement men DO NOT HAVE! I have "approached" women and I don't have any issues with being accused of harassment. Is respecting women so damn difficult? Apparently for some, even most.

What are we doing to change it? Nothing, or very little at best it feels like. I honestly don’t know how you fix the broken thinking of these guys (Cool Guys, Nice Guys, and just plain creepy dating advice guys) who are drilling their BS into the minds of so many other guys.

The whole “boys will be boys” attitude should be made illegal. It needs to die, and be replaced with “there will be consequences for your actions.”

Education definitely needs to start at home when they are children (both boys and girls), and should be taught about consent, that the thinking these grown men have is wrong and why it’s wrong. But that’s helping to fix things for the future, not now.

If this "dating coach" is just randomly "approaching" women despite all indications that they're not interested, it's HE who's doing it wrong. Not us, and not the guys who refuse to behave like him.

If you ask something and the only acceptable response is "yes", then you're not asking a question. You're giving an order.
I feel like this is very telling for the attitudes and expectations of guys like this.

It's really about reading the room. There are social contexts where this kind of cold approach is ok and others where it isn't.

How about you all just leave us alone? Then we don't have to say no.