Do Avoidants Care When You're Gone? | Adam Lane Smith

Im 38yo, I've quit my job years ago and ive been broke for a while barely able to pay my bills. I isolated myself and avoided all social events. Even family gatherings made me super anxious. I've subcontiosly made myself unworthy for a relationship and true love but that is what i crave for the most. I used to abuse alcohol and drugs but i got clean from these but attending social events while sober gives me anxiety. While i've always had hard time opening up about my feelings to people. But i really am craving intimacy and real human connection. Feeling stuck in life

We do give a F * * K about an avoidant and their issues they put on others! Dang! Go get with other avoidants and leave the rest Alone. I actually don't believe they are avoidant because they clearly seek out others to cause problems in their lives like NARCS. Get away! Self-centered.

Dated an older guy. Were both same age 55 and 56. He'd been through childhood trauma, betrayals.. pretty complex stuff but He was in and out of therapy. Wanted a relationship but when we got close he pulled back. Came back apologized and wanted to work on things. He'll take care of me... mostly financial and trips, relationship but he must include regular threesomes. Not what he really wants just a barrier. Chose dopamine. Wished him well. Then he wants a friendship. Encouraged he gets serious about his therapy and self reflection. Listening to this he's definitely an avoidant. Good guy but fears vulnerability and exposure. Fears getting hurt again.

There are only so many times one can be avoided or ignored by the avoidant. Why would anyone want an avoidant back, especially when they are resigned to their situations/emotional avoidance and don't want to do anything about it? I just blocked, no discussion, no waiting for the usual explanations - 4 years of my life and cycles of explanations. Enough was enough. I hope I never encounter such a person again in my life. I'm not saying they're bad people, but at the same time, no one should be their quasi therapist having to guess, speculate and seek answers to explain their behaviour. It's on them to seek therapy when they are aware of what they are doing - and my one was aware of his inability, and he'd always return, and there I'd be thinking things would be different, but no. The harm done in the long run is done. I don't want to ever encounter an avoidant man again in my life. I started off secure, and ended up being anxious over time until I had no words left to say, so I went away quietly, and blocked him.

How much is the course?

And you lost me blending FA with DA... Off to a specialist ...

Thank you for the insight, much needed ❤

My ex..?? Or situationship told me i was to smoothing and when we are working on one thing something else comes up.. like no he would get mad shut down then blame me for something i should have knew. Anyway told me that bs and blocked me on everything. I know the real reason he started to care and be more there. Then that.

You’re great!!! Glad I found your channel. ❤

Avoidants don't care about anything other than protecting themselves from their own feelings.

If they are willing to try, that is the key. If they act defensive or run with questions, that is your answer. Thank you for your professional advice.

I know lots of people resent avoidants and they have every reason to do so. But your videos are helpful for me. After years of dating I found out I’m attracted to avoidants because my dad was one. On the contrary, I’m a risk taker. I would say if I’m attracted to this type, let’s learn how to cope with them. I have friends who are avoidants so I understand how hard it is for them as well. They deserve to be loved, too.

These videos about avoidants are always about 5 months to 7 months. What about avoidants who are seemingly healthy for 5 years!! Extreme people pleaser/helpers/love bombers. Make you feel sooo good because you make them feel soooo good. But you didn’t realize they always had 1 foot out the door, and we’re waiting for a conflict or crisis or a bit of commitment pressure to go run to all their other friends and have fun, play as hard as they could work as hard as they could and start to make you feel like you are difficult, find faults in you at a return, see you as needy, and as you try to understand, you seem more and more needy they fulfil their own prophecy, and you are finally anxiously attached to an avoidant person that never seemed that way to begin with.

I was completely discarded even in terms of my friendship with one of the most beautiful loving people I’ve ever met, who felt the same about me. An external crisis put us in a position where we might have to commit more strongly involve my kids, and that was Beyond their capacity. I had some expected conflicts around that time and they couldn’t handle them at all going to get so cold in a slow fade before they completely blindsided me with an abrupt end of our friendship over my inability to understand where all the coldness had come from. It took six months of learning about attachment theory to understand what happened. And I tried one more time to connect even to get closure from our beautiful friendship. But they kept me at triple arms length, were respectful to everyone else but me, treated me like I was a freak for having feelings, admitted they couldn’t access their own feelings, and then pushed me away again when I told them I needed any amount of respect. It was me asking for a boundary that really sent them running so hard again with such cruel cut off behaviours. But I can’t get her to that hard twice, so this time I just watch their badgering/turtling behaviour and feel so bad for the way they were hurt in their childhood, and for future lovers they may have: when they did it was so incredibly beautiful and deep, and they were so happy to have found someone they could connect with so safely. Sadly, that just set me up for a level of abandonment I have not experienced since my own childhood, and had worked through so many things. But this, this is a level of cut off and blindsided discard behaviour that appears to have no empathy. I’ve never experienced anything like it. These videos sure help me understand. But I already knew that they had feelings. I had loved them through many things for many years. I just didn’t know they could turn something so beautiful into something so ugly, with so much avoidance and cruelty. And I hope they get help before they date anyone else, who they make to feel like they are “the one” who can let them love & be loved. So sad. So hard. For all involved. 😒

I disagree, I think that they are fearful powers for not sharing any feelings. Or they wait until they blow up and say you're not meeting my knees. Where you're not doing this thing I need you to do. Well, you've never communicated this, so how would I know? They tremendously gaslight you add bread crumb you just to keep you in purgatory. It's very selfish and self-centered and completely unaware and oblivious to anyone around them.

I left him behind… this behavior isn’t working for me. He’s capable of more and unwilling so, bye!!

They are self obsessed! Trusting a human and being mad when they behave like a human! That’s twisted!

That’s bad advice - don’t reconnect - chances of anything have changed are close to zero unless they started therapy. It will get you abandoned or ghosted in a very short period. Don’t get your hopes up, don’t initiate contact. They are breadcrumbing you with fake attention only to validate them that they still have power over you. Move on. The affectionate person you knew at the beginning of the relationship is not coming back. Don’t settle for endless misery.

Everyone never loved is avoidant. You can’t avoid avoidants people!!! They love me they are good to me and over time they open up but you need to be independent and non emotionally expressive in communication which is just another way and you can find a respectful healthy way to do it. They all love me and I love them my family my siblings my bestie my boyfriends. All avoidants me I’m avoidant by nature but I can act and am learning secure and it’s wonderful. It’s all okay people

What's the best course if both Avoidants? Uggh!

I've learned so much from you, Adam. I'm working on my own security. It's been eye-opening and is yielding results. I'm worth the risk! 🙂

“I don’t have to drag another chimp” 😂 Thank you Adam 🙏🏻

Da evitante posso dire che riuscire a dare un nome alle mie difficoltà relazionali mi sta cambiando la vita, dandomi più consapevolezza dei miei limiti e delle mie responsabilità.
Ciò non toglie che non capisco perché una persona infelice in una relazione si debba accanire sul partner che chiaramente dice di star soffrendo e di volere e andare, ma per motivi diversi.
La proiezione del proprio amore e delle proprie aspettative sull'altro è un veleno potentissimo nella vita di entrambi.

A direct Yes or No will help.

Do avoidant men usually realize what they lose when they lose their oxytocin women over their dopamine women?
Also, is there a way to make them realize your worth without leaving them?

Dumped after one year, the "you're too good for me," reason with absolutely no warning. I'm very much in love but am well aware that he may not want to do anything differently. Currently in no contact; it's been a month

We’re still together. I’m so grateful to hear this language, and grateful I found you! Thank you for the support!🎉

They aren't thinking that deeply into dopamine and cortisol. Just like the narcissist they are weak and fragile

I ask my avoidant to stay all night, he answered , he has only slept the night with two other women and he doesn’t think he could sleep around me. Well after intimacy he went to sleep and slept for 30 minutes. When he woke up he jumped up, dressed and left. I haven’t heard from him since. What do you think happened? I think it scared him.

I need to move on.

10 years ,he called me after 10 years to tell me he loves me . 10 years of no contact! Just move on peeps,leave them alone ! They are not worthy!!!!

Thank you for all your information. I didn't even know there were such things as attachment styles. I am just an honest open person who likes to communicate. Sure I have my own things where I am scared to put things out there if people might not feel the same..... But it's such an eye opener to see how avoidant people operate and differ. It's wonderful that you help couples and individuals work through this type of attachment concerns.

When I first found out about this style of attachment every clip painted it as a person to avoid. That's not true. They are not narcissistic and cruel. They have just learnt a tactical defence to avoid being hurt.
Tbh I recognise a lot of these traits and think they are ways I started forming relationships when I was I was young. My mum died when I was 11 and something I needed she had to give got lost. It was just my dad and I and he wasn't good at the feelings. I sucked at expressing feelings
I may not be the best at expressing them at times in new relationships. .... But now if someone knows me I am ok to sit on the ground and cry and say.... I don't know what's wrong I feel sad, I love you, please bring me cake! .....

Thank you so much for your understanding and kindness xox

It’s been nine months and I am still completely heartbroken. We were together five years. He came in strong and promised me what felt like the world. We moved in together with our kids from previous marriages. It felt like he often pulled away and I tried getting closer. I think he thought I was too needy. I just wanted a little acknowledgement. By the end, I felt like no matter what I did, it was wrong. One evening I got really mad at him… it was built up resentment, and it made him so mad that he said it was over and didn’t talk to me again. Two weeks later, he was sleeping with a coworker. I felt like he didn’t even try, just gave up. I lost him, his kids, his family, my cat, our place… Just like that it was over, almost as quick as it began.

15 yr relationship. abandoned repeatedly. and was ready to be done and then I found your videos. I began binging them and felt it could be all ok. again. I just have to follow the steps. I struggling so badly.

That’s exactly how I feel 😭

I have been with an avoidant man for 5 years. I have been breaking up with him every month it seems. Never met anyone of his family nor friends. For the first 2 years I said nothing about his behavior,until I got tired of the roller coaster. We have never even gone on a date, it has been my house mostly, a few times his. I meet strangers and knows about them, than I do him. We use to have sex, and he'd disappear for a week and more. I questioned wether he was mentally insane. When I break up with him, he comes chasing me,when he gets what he wants, he slows down. I am kind of going through a break with him now, but then he opens up and asked me to help him. I was glad to, then he does not show up. I am so tired of the nonsense. I love him, don't know why. O have told him, I want to move on, it's like I have not said nothing. I deserve love and reciprocity from a good man,why can't let go of him. I know he circles, I am fed up. I want peace.

Broke up 💔

I feel like Im in a relationship with someone who hogs the blanket... or better yet they leave the bed and go sleep on the couch. Then when you say fine lets have two blankets 1 each - they then take thay one too... so you get another blanket let them sleep on the couch find comfort in your own room then they demand cuddles and hugs after walking out and treating you like your not worth a hug.

Do I even want the Avoidant back? I’ve only been seeing my avoidant since January & I love him but sometimes I’m not sure he even likes me. I divorced a narcissist a few years ago & I can’t go through that Hell again. So I’m feeling a bit aggravated about all of the tiptoeing around HIS needs & the pre-work to maintain what?!? Relationship? I don’t get it. It seems like a huge investment & then he just disappears again?

You’re hilarious! 😂

Mine was dismissive and monkey branched

Yes. Im 70% secure. 30%anxious. 100%. Everything you said would diffise me and co-regulate me. Everything you said is the perfect guide. It also helped me understand an avoidants thought process. ❤ Shared. ❤

Why do you all stay so long with someone causing so much pain? I'll leave first.

I respect and love Adam’s message. We just have to remember Self Love. We have to choose our peace. If it feels like an emotional rollercoaster and if you find yourself abandoning yourself, it’s really not worth it. Choose you. Always choose you. If it’s causing anxiety, let it go.

Hi Adam!
Mine express his feelings out, i have ended this 3 yrs before and no contact but he came back now intiating the conversations calls texting offer food discount coupons, checking on my kids, checking on me when i will be going back( home other coutry)
How do i see this

Thanks for your channel Adam. It has been helping me a lot to understand myself. As am avoidant going through a break up with another 😢. I'd like to think that I'm a "Brave Avoindant" as in this last relationship I've given my all but still went through the "push and pull" dance sometimes evoked by me, mostly by him this time. We lost a baby on the first trimester and that was the beginning of the end. I'm the worst break up I ever experienced in my life.
I felt like I found my person - in all senses but if one thing I thought because we were so honest and open about our feelings and knowledge that we have this issue to walk through (being avoidants).

I feel confused. I came to this video trying to understand my avoidant ex, but ended up seeing us both reflected on this pattern. Is it possible the both of us were avoidant? Or at least a mix between avoidant and anxious? I don't know what to think. I was the one who suggested the break up and he was the one who called time of death on us. We remained friends and started having even more communication now that we're not together. I think we both finally relaxed. Is this at all possible?
For more context: nobody cheated, we always treated each other with the utmost respect and love even during disagreements and we didn't have a single fight, not even when we broke up. We decided we just were at different places in life. I felt he was constantly giving up parts of himself to be with me and told him I didn't want to be resented for it in the future. He said he wanted to stay with me, a life with me. I asked him to consider it more carefully, to make a decision for us. He did and decided for us to split up. We both agreed to give us a second chance if it ever felt the right time came, since we didn't think the problem was the wrong person but rather the timing of things. During the relationship, I was the more anxious one, but after the break up the tables turned and he was always the one to initiate contact. I'm giving all this context, not because I want to bore anyone, but just to see if anyone can help me understand what happened so it doesn't happen again in the future

Take my advice, don't bother. Always trying for a real connection and never really getting anything. It's better being alone.

My FA has me spend the week wirh him and hes amazing and then goes cold. Also, he keeps ending things to see someone else and then comes back. Or has 2xs. Hes worh someone else again nut theyre 14hours away. I want to make things work. When i tell him I love him he pushes me away. Hes also a functioning alcoholic and its a whole norher dynamic Ive never dealt with. I have gone weeks without calling him and now I nacked away and told him i had to so i cam heal because the thought of him being worh someone else hurts too much. He says I can call. Am I breaking trust by not reaching out? He had me meet his mother this past month. I feel like im dealing with constant emotional whiplash. He says je has trust issues and cant do relationships. I dont want him woth anyone else but me. I feel safe when i am with him but the exact opposite when he pushes me away. I almost feel calm because hes done this before several times bit wjat if thisnis the time he discards me for life. Hos dad was absent in his life which isbwhy hes an FA. What i struggle with the most is giving him space but then i know he feels betrayed when i am gone too long. Yet I hate alwaysbinitiating contact. Why cant he? Do I accept that this is one way of being chosen (him initiating contact) that I wont be able to experience amymore?

How do you know if he is an avoidant or simply not interested?

This is the third time we are getting back together so I think now we need a road map to ensure this doesn't happen again.