Why the avoidant left you

Here's a quote from a book I'm reading: "Decisions ruled by fear aren't usually good ones."

Wow. This makes sense and it’s straight to the point.

2 months of no contact with my ex avoidant who i know, loved me. Would it be the right thing to do to send her flowers just to say hi and hope shes ok. Im feeling ok now, but i feel desperately sad for her.

When they appear at your door one night, five weeks after ghosting you. And then leave again. That's my trauma.

What’s the difference between an avoidant and someone with bpd traits?

It doesn’t matter. Neither one is meeting your emotional needs. Let them go until they get help and even then be careful as they are going to make YOU mentally ill with their crap

So very true. Exactly what happened to me. Right on Coach.

Why does every single video focus on the avoidant leaving the dumpee? You need to do videos on the avoidant getting dumped by us SA's. Not all of us are victims - we SA's (especially us super-empath sigma ISTPs) will dump the hell out of avoidants once we get a good whiff of what's actually going on.

This was my ex, she didn't communicate alot of things. She held all these things in and when she was breaking up with me, she brought up arguments and mistakes I made from many years ago. She said " I never wanted people to think there was something wrong between us." She was so mean and cold towards me at the end. We were together 13 years, and 4 months after we split, she's already in a new relationship.

I’m trying to call it quits with the DA but they keep diverting the conversation. I’m not thee ed kind of person who ghosts or ends via text.

Ok stopping the blame

Thank you

He is spot on in this video!

They feel like when things are going well it scares them that it will end so the fear of abandonment kicks in and they shut down.

They don’t communicate their needs and resentment sets in.

I even communicated to my ex that I didn’t want my ex to resent me so I didn’t agree we should get married.

Thank goodness I didn’t because exactly what he says here happened in that order.

If I were concerned I’d ask my exes response:

I’m fine. It’s fine. that’s fine……

Deep down I knew those phrases were a way for me to stop asking, they aren’t interested in healthy commutative relationships, that’s not what they’re used to.

They come from completely different worlds.

They dont want to change you they want to to change yourself sadly they deemd you uncapable of making the changes they want

Thank you, I am understanding clearer by your videos. Been tough, but I have done and keep doing my own work.❤

Thank you. This happened to me a month ago. I am devastated, but feel good to know I treated him well.

Absolutely. Ive been dealing with my ex for damn near 3 yrs. I told this person that i was going to take the asvab for the military. Took the test on the 9th of may by the 14th of may she told me she met someone else and shes been talking to him for 4 days and she wants to get to know them better. Out of no where. No remorse consideration or respect. This girl has been there for me at my worst stood by me the whole time. And as soon as i get my shit together and bring up the military POOF. Never really communicated her underline needs everything was always ok. Even when they clearly weren't. She says its hard for her to put her feelings in words. And its easy for her to detach then to have deep conversations. If thats not a avoidant i dont know what is.

Ha! I knew it !!

After being dumped four times by an avoidant I see the “not see it coming” coming. I’m just so used to it.

At difficult time for me with adult sibling rivalry, my husband who knew all about what had been going on, thought fit to reveal his complete lack of empathy for me. In other words, any discord was all my fault. That was over ten years ago and we are still married even though I regard that accusation and lack of emotional bandwidth on his part to be the end of our marriage. We get along fine leading separate lives under the same roof. I have been through being told I need to move out so that he can continue with our house renovations. Also he announced he intended to buy a house a hundred miles away in order that he can indulge his hobbies of fell running and cross country skiing. He has done this and regularly disappears for three weeks at a time. Finally, finally I have mentioned divorce and I get absolutely no response. This week he is away and I am intending to get legal advice. I have known my husband for fifty years next year and yet I am treated like this but even worse I accept it.

I can't believe I only lasted two months. The other people she told me about who she didn't like and said she shouted at her got longer than me. Literally came out of nowhere. The morning after I got home from visiting she broke up with me over text. Brutal.

Thank you for validating my experience

Thank you for the video.
Now I understood that he had some complaints about me but couldn’t communicate with me.

slow fade

ryan... thank you.. for all your videos.. ive been searching and searching for the answer's and finally ive realized that yes my partner is an avoidant. im trying daily to follow all of what you said and hope that she can realize and see that i understand and get it. just hopefully she comes back as from now on ill be chilled and set boundaries but relax and take a step back.

Tbh honest I don't know.... " He discarded you cause he feels things " not really true. If a man loves you will die before losing you

Since he is an avoidant why my ex avoidant did not go to non contact phase? Why he txt me everyday telling me about his daily routine?

One week: "You are my world, you have ruined me for other men. Looking at you and us makes me feel like home." The next week: "We're just not compatible" It's an absolute mind fuck and it hurts. Hard to have sympathy, but also hard to not.

After 21 years of marriage, adoption of 4 kids, with 1 left in the home. 15 years of sexless marriage not even a kiss for the last 8 - I got the "I Love you, but am not in love with you." lecture as she sits and plays on her phone, is walled off for over a decade and simply walled off refusing to engage in anything because she feels "overwhelmed" by my "intense emotions" and her self diagnosed anxiety" She won't discuss any of these avoidant issues stemming from her childhood other than to acknowledge it, but still does NOTHING to address it or fix it.

Everything you talk about is on point. After one year in a relationship with one short brake up, he broke up with me after at trip together, I felt something after that trip. He wanted to be more and more alone, and by himself.
I tried to talk to him about it and about how attachment and there I lost him...
Is it also common that avoidants dont want to have kids?
I first guessed that was it. But also when you talk about that the other person could be too good for him that also gives me some answers.

Your channel is gold!

Hi Ryan - does this apply to a long distance relationship too?

Everything you said was spot on! I was dumped. She was an avoidant based on the research I’ve done and your videos. In fact, she was an avoidant to the tee. But, I wonder if throwing in the long distance dynamic makes your suggestions like no contact ineffective.

I can’t tell you how much of this was so helpful . I knew in my gut that he cared for me. I knew it but he kept running and then he would come back and leave again and I finally put my foot down. I’m like no I can’t go through this anymore, but I knew he loved me, so this really helped to know that he did have feelings for me so thank you

Out of the blue for me. 2.5 years and he said i was not his girlfrie d and jyst gor the sex. We never had any problems,traveled,met families,friends on both sides,im a nurse and he is a contractor. I do believe hes has issues. Trusting was hard for him. His loss.
These videos have helped me.
NC for 2 weeks now.

Not only abandoned from childhood is the cause, my ex GF was in a very traumatic toxic relationship and had to deal to suicidal attempt and self harming. Beginning was a dream, best vacation ever as she said; she cheated me with his best friend and I had to discovered by myself in the worst way possible. Its been a month and a half and I cannot concentrate in anything, my confidence was erased and I feel physical pain every day, completely soul crashing. She fuc#£d me up, and believe me none of my previous break ups are even close,

Better not to date an immature person who does not work on themselves.

Brilliant content here! Ryan has the natural ability to peel back the layers to get to the core of the avoident psyche. Thanks bunches, Ryan!

My ex left right when i landed a job to look adter her and support her and work on a family finally and she was sposed to have a talk with her therapist to get them on board and let her date me all of a sudden she says this relationship isnt working after being so loving and caring and supportive and encouraging me same thing happened when i got my orevious job after the first week poof she left what really got me this time i retaliated because i felt so hurt and how my value and efforts all of a sudden felt worthless i called out her falws and made her realize i accepted alot out of love that i didnt have too because i felt undervalued and as a result she went on her fb saying dint blame a clown for being a clown be mad at your self for attending a circus i was devastated shes caused me lots if emotional trauma and lain and suffering its traumatized me Iive every day with but still always take her back and love her nice to kno its not me but it still hurts im the exact opposite when im commited im commited i miss her so much she also suffers from metal issues i feel her early mife getting wring snd treated mike shit by guys triggered this where i was trying to makeup for that

I’d rather accept this as the truth but there is just always that little voice saying “maybe they’re just not that into you.”

I have a relationship with one in 1984/85 now 39 years ago and the pain of her and her daughter of 8 never left me it's still in hart I wish that the pain will leave me alone

Hearing that they definitely have/had feelings for me actually soothes me a bit cuz I know I did everything right.. she left me and needed space because of everything you said in this video.. I don’t know if she ever reaches out again, I just know that I did everything I could and did everything right so it’s up to her to fix herself.. I tried my best

I cannot even express how much this helped me and how grateful I am to have found it!!!

6 months and a week post discard for me. Somewhere in our relationship, I came very close to ending our relationship. Because she was ignoring a boundary that I have, and i felt disrespected. She lashed out at me, claiming it was my own insecurities and she wasn't to blame. We were nearing the Christmas holidays, and i had met her whole family and close friends. We had plans for the holidays. I told myself that it had to mean something... she ended up discarding me a bit less than two months after. So, in the end it looks like it meant nothing after all.

Yep, I was the one. 5th wife.

Im taking accountabilty for not honoring my standards. Im worthy to be loved, im working to become secure. I cant blame him for everything. But how can you love someone and do what he did? Absolutely not. He needs help. I pray he will get it. Hes 60 he still has time. There is no fear in love!

Everything we must understand bc they are a grown-up baby.

Thank you so much coach Ryan!! I was stuck since 2015 since she married to someone abruptly and I was confused and lost. Thank you for sharing it as I needed it more than I can say!! Love from India!! I am healing now and it feels a lot better for myself

In another video you said they never formed that deep a bond in their hearts for us because of their own avoidant tendencies

It’s incredibly hard to have to just accept that things are over out of the blue with someone who you loved so much.

This explains things so well. Thank you.