Sibling Abuse: Help Them, or "Break Up" With Them?

The first letter you read from Linda, I swear, some of the things she wrote felt like I had written it myself about my own brother. I’m glad I’m watching this.

This is sin.

My story is strange, it's love, it's shit, it's mixed bag of happiness and just... disgusting feelings. Awful things are often spoken private, and less awful among family. When I was 21, I noticed this biased stigma of "not speaking about SA". I saw my mother being a massive hypocrite, she spoke of her sexual orientation and her SA she had to endure in past. I accepted it and was there for her. Once I told her mild SA my brother did to me... she didn't believe a word I said. It was the time I knew, I can't say a thing to my mother since I couldn't trust her motherly figure to help cope through past mistake my brother did in his juvenile time. Say, it has been a long time, I've forgiven without saying it to my brother. The thing he did to me was slight, like a slap on ear or something. Of course it was not OKAY okay, but he didn't make it worse. For that I can forgive him, but I would be very careful and mindful about my children's presence with him. I will likely just tell him in non-accusatory way, that his actions has consequences, what happened in past is forgiven but it can't be said same when he is adult. I know for a fact that it was traumatizing for him as well, because he was older than me and his otherwise empathetic mind must've gone through a lot of confusion in puberty. He has had a history of alcohol very early in his youth, estimated that it happened after what he did with me.

You can’t help them cause they didn’t want to help themselves first of all

I've been experiencing this my whole life and I've had to cut ties. I miss them. It sucks.

that sounds so similar to my story with my brother. I always supported him because I felt like if I didn't show some form of support that he couldn't survive and his marriage would break up and part of me was afraid of him attacking me and ridiculing him. A few years a go I encouraged him to see a phychologist and he just moaned that she wasn't very qualified to help him, Two days ago we had a difference of opinion and he lost his temper and as I was walking away from him with my back turned, he hit me! I hit him back and now the line has been crossed and I will never go near him again. When I was a teenager, I was always afraid that he was going to kill me, he was so aggressive towards me and blaming me for everything. And I always kept my mouth closed so as not to provoke him, whereas two days a go I didn't and look what happened! I thought he was beyond that, however it seems and theres no excuses for his behaviour now.

My guy's toxic jealous sister's goal in life is to ruin our* peaceful loving relationship- it's awful*

Break up.
Or be angry for the rest of your life.
I've seen it in action.
Not cool.
That blue is pretty.

Thanks for talking about this topic.

What am I doing here. I'm still in college and reviewing while listening. I started crying after the letter. I knew back then that I need to cut ties with him early on but I couldn't because everybody in my family thinks its something that can be repaired. We had a fight and it was his fault for being so disrespectful towards me when I did nothing wrong to him. I suddenly realized that and didn't mend it like I always do. It's hard because we are in the same unit.

I would love for you to do a series on dealing with alcoholic family. The little you explained really gave me an ah-ha moment

These traits are familiar w ppl that don't drink

The blood of the covenant (belief in God) is stronger than the water of the womb, (dysfunctional family of origin).

My sister is mean as hell and always have been ever memory l have of her is hateful and mean !!!

I never knew other people lived with this.

I have been helping a sibling and his family financially since I started earning money. He and his wife managed to have 3 children knowing that they both don't have stable jobs. I sent his oldest son through college, financed the 2nd child through HS, but I had enough of him and did not send him to college because he's not acting right in school. Now, I am paying for the 3rd ,with his education in HS. Paid for their rent many times, paid for hospitalizations and meds. Bought my brother a motorcycle, which he lost as a collateral for unpaid rent. I'm exhausted, I have a life of my own that I am struggling to sustain. But despite of all this, whenever I suggest or call out something that's wrong, he will say that I am on my high horse, thinking I'm the smartest. Bottom line, I don't help enough, and i don't have the right to say anything just because I am helping him. We are not talking, but I am still sending money to his kids.

Sounds exactly like my brother

For me, the most difficult part of choosing estrangement when it comes to abusive sibling dynamics is the layers of loss I wasn’t expecting. My sibling has had a child, so I am an aunt, but I have never met this child. They’re soon to have another… so it’s painful knowing that I will not get to be an aunt to them the way I would want to, that my child won’t know her cousins, and that fantasy you have of family barbecues and watching your kids grow together are gone. I have fear for how those children will fare, if he is emotionally abusive to them, if drugs and alcohol will creep into their lives… god forbid he drives around drunk with them, I have no idea. I just pray and hope that things will work out for them. Toxic family dynamics can reverberate through generations, and I can easily see why… it’s so hard to have and maintain those boundaries, especially when children are involved.

It’s been 1 year NO contact. I still can’t stand that it’s real. The absolute horror, severe shock, sickness & extreme sadness of my partner and I searching every room until finding my lil brothers lifeless body, gun still in hand, finger still on the trigger…lives wildly in my body. It will not relent. The images are brutally invasive. Trying to behave in any “normal” way day to day is so f*cking weird. It’s as if I’m re-learning how to be human. I don’t know how to present myself. Do I pretend nothing happened so I don’t scare people away? Can I talk about it? Be real? Our parents were such f*cking garbage. They put us through true hell. I’ve gone NO contact for good, as “family” is the worst thing I’ve ever known. No need to elaborate there, as my brothers act of violence against his precious self speaks volumes of the conditions of our upbringing. We did NOT deserve it. My bro NEVER deserved it. He was always so kind & loving. My sister didn’t deserve what she got either, though mild in comparison. Her dad beat me repeatedly, but loved her, never laying a finger. Typical beating the step child type asshole. She also didn’t have to experience the first hand toxic insanity of my bro’s dad…the gun toting bat wielding stalking drug abusing daily death threatening psycho from hell, the using lying drug addicted weak sociopathic mentally unstable mom and her mother…the raging aggressive mean degrading narcissistic grandma from the depths of catholic hell, the police stations, courts, hotels, safe shelters, hiding in cars for our lives behind buildings. All the while trying to stay calm for the child in harms way, still trying to make him smile. The stress was unbearable. Many times I can’t believe I survived. My sister wasn’t around to help or show mental support. I severely needed help, but was glad our mom sabotaged me instead of her so she could have a chance at life. But still she most often turned her hate towards me for everything our parents did wrong even though I was a direct victim, a human shield of abuse for her. Many of my friends growing up, including some of her best friends, would approach me and ask “why is she like that? Why is she so hateful towards you?” They would often apologize for her as it made them so uncomfortable, often telling me they just wanted me to know that they didn’t agree and didn’t want to be associated with her way of viewing things. It helped a little, but I would always just make excuses for her saying it was ok, that we had it hard and she was just confused and didn’t mean it. I took so much so she didn’t have to. I only ever wanted to protect & love my siblings & Be loved back. But no matter how hard I tried throughout life to get her to like me, to “see” me authentically for who I was/am so we could have safe love, nothing worked since our childhood. A lifetime of trying has exhausted me, especially now. Just months before my brother’s death, I fearfully & tearfully gathered the courage (or desperate stupidity) to confide in her the GIANT red flags I was seeing in him and in his living conditions, knowing she may attack. And instead of being rightfully alarmed, she did the usual & accused me of being judgemental and scolded me suggesting I worry about myself. Left me in tears as usual. I was NEVER judging that boy, only only observing him, & I was right to do so😞. I knew something was terribly wrong. I loved him the most, saw his heart the most, & he trusted me the most. He always came to me for advice, for support & understanding. He once told me I was more like a caring parent than either of his sh*tbag parents. Melt my heart. I put myself in harms way repeatedly to protect him. I was willing to die to save him. He said his last words to me. It’s so f*cking unfortunate my sis & I can’t be there for one another in this time, but Im done begging to be seen, & throwing myself to someone who only threw shit back when I didn’t deserve it. My brother & I were put through more hell from our parents than she will ever bother to see. No matter how much I love her, no matter how much I want it to be different…I must accept reality now more than ever to keep the little sanity I have left safe. I NEVER stopped trying to get my brother to love himself. I changed so VERY much about my own life, trying to be a positive influence with high hopes of inspiring him, showing him we could survive the hell and still take care of ourselves and experience self worth & joy. But no matter how VERY much I loved him, I couldn’t make him love himself. Now I’m stuck experiencing this life without him, still having to take my own advice about having a life worth living. Still having to love myself. I’m sorry to whomever has read this. I desperately needed to let some of this toxic shit out of my body, and this felt like a semi-safe way vent. The highlight of my life is my amazing partner of 14 years and I’m trying everything I can to not ruin it with my trauma. Thanks sweet Lady, you have greatly helped me to start understanding and tackling my severe deregulation. ☮️💟

I love my sister but covers up for her toxic husband 😢 God bless

The worst betrayal imo

Too much unnecessary ugly, lashing out and disparaging of my friends (total strangers to her). Three rounds of years- long gray rocking was not sufficient for relief. I simply HAD to go totally no contact for my own sanity...and will REMAIN so for the duration.

Living with a older siblings who thinks she does everything...she never considers what others go through.....a extremely arrogant,ignorant, self centered, self perceived hero....she does things for us just to control us...I'm not a slave...if she wants to leave she must just do that I don't have time for this...

Hi Fairy, I wouldn’t criticize her so much. Dealing with an a hole brother is a no win situation. I would only suggest to her to drop the innocent act and admit she thinks he is a piece of crap and stop having a relationship with him. She IS superior to him. Don’t apologize!

My sibling was 13 years older than me so it was like having a third abusive parent. By the time I can really remember she was basically an adult.

I tried for 40 years to make it work for her. I couldn't do it any more and I've cut ties permanently. Even if she apologized now it's too late. Not that she would ever take any responsibility for her actions.

Blood is not thicker than mental health.

hi....glad you are trying to understand her feelings...but you seem to not understanding her feelings and experiences with her brother and why she feels and sees things the way she does...she lived those experiences with h and thats why she acts and reacts in the manner that she does toward him...these people will drive you crazy and then blame you....they want to be given care but they dont care about you and will abuse the hell out of you...and then blame you for it....she is not acting superior she is intelligent and trying to maintain her grip on her life without him ruining it for her....

They just want your time, money, skills, house

Yea...and we know how much narcissists 'like' "constructive criticisms"😆
No, she was just tired of the abuse and had enough self esteem to detach...BRAVO!

I suffered abuse from my older sibling as it was allowed

Narcissist sibling dynamics are the most corrosive of all

I wish I could write you a letter. I feel completely trapped right now.

My parents were fine. My sister was abusive.

Very very insightful ❤

My sisters boyfriend/ now husband SA me when I was in elementary school. She decided I should go from the family and she should marry him. The campaign began and I have suffered 50 years of being treated like a second class citizen from my own family all so my sister could keep me silenced and insignificant

100% no contact

I have been the black sheep of the family and my sister directly related to it and I feel like that could have been my sister writing that letter.....much love to all involved I hope they all find healing and love

sadly very reminiscent of my own past too. That denial they harbour is the hardest part to deal with growing up. You cant make them see how terrible they were. My brother had an extremely immature god complex. He was tasked to look after me. He abused it wholeheartedly. The point was so that the grownups didnt have to take care of any of us really. We were the last 6 out of 12 kids altogether. He was getting abused too and yep he acted like it was normal life and took it out on me. He wasnt the only one. It was always total shxt.

I never allowed my children to be unkind to each other. I was given the "let them work it out" advice but ignored it. I have four girls and they all get along. I learned from the abuse I experienced from my brother and sister. My girls are teens and preteens and continue to get along. It's sad that toxicity is normalized among siblings. My brother died young; he was brilliant but a tyrant. My sister abused her kids, and I have severed all ties with her. She saw me as her bank account when she had a crisis. I experienced trauma at age 5, and my sister threw it in my face when I refused to give her money. She is older than I am but irresponsible. My life is so peaceful without them. Sever those ties-- you won't regret it.

Be strong enough to be honest and kind

“Sure c’mon and visit!” my alcoholic much older sister used to say. It took me years to accept
that all I was to her was an unwelcome sibling in her world from the start. She’d start drinking and the pattern was “now let me tell you what I really think” and proceed to say the cruelest things and I’d be devastated but couldn’t leave because I had had drinks too. By the next morning of course it was like it never happened. I kept forgiving her but over the years it got worse and finally the fog in my brain lifted and I could see her abuse clearly and turned away. I doubt she misses me except when she wants to attack someone and express what an unhappy angry person she is. Boy. I’m sorry it took me so long to wake up.

I have tried for years to have some kind of “normal “ with my sister ,I think it’s going well then she either sabotages it or I hear some mean criticism that comes back to me. It feels completely untrue and distorted.

Said bye-bye to all my siblings. Never been happier. ❤

"Feel free to go all fairy on me," melted my heart ❤

My brothers both married women who dislike me. One seems jealous and the other doesn't like me because she couldn't control me. So In laws can be abusive.

My oldest brother left the city for a home 120 miles away - his acquaintances pretend he wasn't continuously in fights or behaving bizarrely, stealing...

Last month I called to see how his family are etc. He asked me if I d seen the England team at the Euros football championship, mentioned I'm 100% disinterested in anything to do with them while their fundamentals are so bad, until they get in players who did play well, control the football. I'm not interested in talking about something so plain, particularly since every ex pro has backed up my apathy.


He then wants to be listened to despite my disinterest, and then lie to me that they can look after the ball despite consistently failing at every basic, starts pretending I've interrupted him when he knows that I'm not speaking about this topic he wants to be heard on.

Then hangs up. Complete spoilt brat cannot respect the right of someone to know a failure when it's plain on the screen, who did nothing but come home with torn clothes, beat up, junk academic results, no skills, spending parents money from change with no permission, zero ethics.

Utterly unsurprising behaviour ... the same 1 had a go at the middle 1 for his choice of wife when they got engaged.

I am 20 my brother is 16 , he abuses me verbally and if I say please don't do that, he beats me i try to protect myself hecis physically stronger than me and my parents so my parents tells me to shut up. He disrespect me in every way, I am feeling so low, I always help him with money and support whenever he needs, but now that beating is going wild I am feeling so low,.... Plz give me some suggestion on this?

It took a long time for me to have the courage to block my younger sister (53) who is verbally and emotionally abusive as well as majorly smothering by obsessively contacting me in every way; calling, video calling, then calls through FB when I blocked her, then Instagram, then calls my husband, then calls from a different # cuz he blocked her , then she contacts my daughter too! She also tells me I am responsible to take care of her too! I just couldn't take it any more and now I get guilt trips from other family members who say
"oh she misses you!" She misses having someone to put down is what I feel! Am I wrong for wanting nothing to do with her now?!

I come from an abusive home. I have childhood ptsd. I used to think my sister was a close friend. Now I’m realizing she financially abused me and continued the parentification abuse by our mother. Mom taught me I was responsible for my younger sister, and she also got that lesson and believed I was responsible for her. Now she is well past the age I had to start supporting her. Even though I housed her while she was going to college (until she decided to drop out), helped her get her first job, gave her tens of thousands of dollars for the many times she’s been in financial crisis over the years, and even hosted and paid for all the birthday and holiday get togethers over the years, it seems as though it was still never enough for her and her partner. Took me a decade to realize that she is just ungrateful and even straight up jealous of and hateful towards me. The final straw was when she wasn’t happy or proud of me, but rather started copying me and putting herself in a competitive relationship with me. It broke my heart to realize all the years of love and attention I poured into her might have been completely for nothing because she will never actually care about me in a healthy way, but rather only ever saw me as someone to use. 💔